[Near As I Can Tell...] Kit Reveal: Captain Ithano

Space Pirate Deadpool, please report to the nearest Copyright Infringement Officer for immediate discipline

Before I start writing about Glup Shitto over here, it’s important to remind everyone who Glup Shitto is.

Glup Shitto is a fictional char- wait. Hang on. Strike that.

Glup Shitto is a non-canon character from Star Wars. As in, someone made him up. He doesn’t really exist. A guy on twitter made up the name as a joke to mock all these weak fucking nobody characters Star Wars media loves going goddamn ape over. And he’s absolutely right. What is wrong with us???

I’m like, “Justice for 4LOM and Zuckiss!” But… they’re on screen for all of four seconds. Maybe 12 in the special editions because those are full of bullshit added for no reason other than to kill any semblance of pacing. But they’re fucking nobodies. They’re nothing. They do nothing. They stand around like mascots of a really craptastic division 2 polytechnical university and then they get into the Mist Hunter (HOW DO I KNOW WHAT THEIR FUCKING SHIP IS NAMED) and jump to hyperspace, never to be seen again. Why does anyone give two flying fucks about these Glup fucking Shittos???

And you know who the biggest Glup Shitto of all time is? It’s motherfucking Boba Fett. What a worthless clown. He has almost no lines. Like… here’s all of them, twice, because they re-cast the voice actor after hearing how much we fans loved Glup Shitto Boba Fett.

This guy is a day player in the films. He got an under-five (that means fewer than 5 lines, so he gets paid less). He didn’t catch Han Solo. He had a shitty ship whose shitty hyperdrive didn’t work, which is how he caught the MilF in the first place. The guy can’t even affort to repair his armor. Look at that blaster mark on the helmet!

But that’s the thing about a Glup Shitto: When Star Wars fans line up behind one, they can turn a Glup Shitto into a force so powerful Disney will make The Worst Filmed Program in the History of Television to celebrate that character. You fucking clowns even gave it a 66% on the tomato-meter. ARE YOU DRUNK? This show is so bad, other bad shows make fun of it to its face.

For example:

There’s a scene where the “mods” who are just a bunch of 20 something actors pretending to be teenagers pretending to be tough by gluing a bunch of bullshit to themselves (and it literally looks hot glue gunned on, it’s that cheap looking) all get stuck in a dead-end alley and are being shot at by some fish people because “reasons.” They call Boba for help. He expressly tells Fennec “Don’t go, we need you here.” Cut to the mods being shot at by these really awful aiming fish people and then, hey wow, Fennec shows up above them and shoots all of the fish people! Yay Fennec! Everyone is amazed that she’s there. Probably including Boba who straight up ordered who to let the useless mods die. She then jumps down to her speeder bike which is parked right next to the mods and drives off.

So, like… the show expects us to believe that she got the call for help, was ordered not to go by her boss, went anyway, found the shootout in the alley, drove down the alley, did a u-turn, neatly parked her bike off to the side, and climbed up 3 stories, all without anyone noticing her at all.

“Kahz, you can’t judge an entire show on one poorly written scene.”

You’re right. So let’s also discuss when Boba and Fennec are sneaking into Jabba’s palace to covertly assault it, when Boba picks up a droid and screams into it’s face, “I AM BOBA FETT!” Something he does early and often, usually after removing his helmet, but also just before an obvious fight. So that’s one more bad scene, but also like twelve other bad scenes too.

Not satisfied yet?

The series ends - ENDS - with Fennec assassinating the leaders of the fish dudes. How? By being conveniently just off camera. I’m not kidding. That’s her trick. Just watch this nonsense:

Not shown in the video is the shot just before all those blasts come from… conveniently off camera… which shows Fennec running over the roof of the room, across a skylight. You know, the same solid roof where that garrotte dropped down from. Like, she’s left, she’s right, she’s on the roof, she’s behind you! All at once. It’s SO bad that Lee Harvey Oswald used this video in his defense, or he would have, if he hadn’t been assassinated (ON camera, like a fucking real assassin, you goddamn hack, Fennec!).

But why am I ranting about Glup Fucking Shitto Boba Stupid Fett when this is the kit reveal for Captain Ithanos?

Because he’s a worthless nothing character no one gives a shit about, least of all CG. They make big hay in the original release kit reveal about his use of “scattergun” but then the animations are more like a slow-firing grenade launcher or something. Star Wars is FULL of pirates. There was an entire goddamn show about them (skeleton crew, actually good, worth the watch). But no, we’re using like seven frames of the worst sequel (was it really the worst? It’s so hard to choose. The competition in that category is fierce).

Anyway, sure, let’s do some fucking Captain Ethan bullshit.

ALIGNMENT: Dark Side

Because only Hondo is allowed to be neutral, even when this guys is literally helping the good guys. Fuck off, CG. Just get rid of the neutral tag, make Hondo dark side, and admit this was dumb to begin with.

CATEGORIES: Attacker, Leader,Pirates,Scoundrel, Order 66 Raid

Fire whoever’s job it is to press the space bar at your office. Into the sun, preferably.

Basic - Corsair Blaster Rifle

Final Text: Deal Physical damage to target enemy and gain Offense Up for 1 turn. During Ithano's turn, grant Foresight to Pirate Support and Tank allies for 1 turn.

Pirate Support and Pirate Tank allies? Or ALL Tanks, and also Supports who happen to be Pirates? BECAUSE WORDS FUCKING MATTER, CG. THAT’S WHY BOBA FETT GOT AN UNDER FIVE RATE AND NOT STAR FUCKING BILLING.

SPECIAL 1: Lower Ye Shields! (Cooldown 4)

Final Text:

Deal Physical damage to target enemy. If the target enemy has Defense Up or Protection Up, steal them, reset their duration and grant stolen buffs on himself to all Pirate allies then attack again dealing 50% more damage. If no buffs are stolen, attack again and inflict Defense Down on target enemy for 1 turn.

If Ithano has 3 or fewer stacks of Profit, dispel all buffs on the target enemy. If Ithano has more than 3 stacks of Profit, he dispels all debuffs on himself.

There is a zero percent chance anyone on the set for the five minutes this extra was there said a single fucking word along the lines of “ye” or “avast” or “Arrr.” Maybe someone said “you look like Deadpool fucked a fireman’s helmet,” but that’s the closest anyone got.

This ability is cool, but stupid complicated and for no fucking reason. Steal defense up and protection up. Cool. Grant those to pirate allies. Cool. Attack again either way doing some bullshit or another. Why not just attack again? Is this that big of a difference? And then the bullshit with Profit. Ain’t nobody got time to be counting no fucking stacks of Profit, motherfucker!

Special 2: Intimidating Display (Cooldown 4) (Zeta)

Final Text: Deal Physical damage to all enemies, gain Defense Penetration Up for 2 turns and Expose the target enemy for 1 turn. If the ally in the Leader slot is a non-Galactic Legend Pirate Support and Ithano has Foresight, attack again and call allied Kix and Quiggold to assist. If Ithano has at least 4 stacks of Profit, inflict Fear on the target enemy for 1 turn at the end of his turn, which can't be evaded or resisted.

There is nothing intimidating about this display. He looks like an anime version of the killer from Heart Eyes just saw something super cute. I mean… it’s a guy in pajamas and boots. I assume there was a major earthquake and he just put on the first shoes he could find before running out the door.

And this ability… WHAT? Damage everyone, then gain a thing to deal more damage, and then debuff so they take more damage, and then if you solve a fucking logic problem you get bonus attacks? And then OH BOY COUNT FUCKING PROFIT AGAIN. What the fuck is this? The LSAT?

UNIQUE 1: I Don't Die So Easily (Zeta, Omicron)

Final Text:

At the start of battle, if all allies are Pirates, Ithano gains 50% Offense and the first time Ithano is defeated, he is revived with 50% Health. While Ithano has Foresight, he gains 30% Offense and whenever Foresight expires, Ithano gains Retribution for 1 turn.

Whenever Quiggold falls below 50% of his Health for the first time, Ithano Marks himself for 2 turns. While Ithano is Marked this way, he gains 80% Bonus Protection, 40% Offense and Tenacity Up until Marked expires. If Ithano defeats an enemy while he is Marked this way, he gains 2 stacks of Profit (stacking, max 5). Whenever Ithano uses an ability on his turn, he gains Foresight for 1 turn. Whenever Ithano uses a Special ability and has atleast 4 stacks of Profit, remove all the stacks and deal bonus True damage to the target enemy.

While in Territory Wars: At the start of each encounter, Ithano gains Accuracy Up and Speed Up for 5 turns. Whenever Ithano scores a critical hit, call a random Pirate Support and Tank ally to assist dealing 50% more damage. At the start of turn, if there is no Galactic Legend in the allied slot and Ithano has more than 3 stacks of Profit, inflict Deathmark on the strongest enemy for 1 turn which can't be dispelled or evaded. If an enemy is defeated, all Pirate allies gain 3 stacks of Profit (stacking, max 5) and gain Defense Penetration Up, Offense Up and Retribution for 2 turns.

Motherfucker you were dead to me before you were born.

I guess he self-revives if everyone is a pirate, and he is otherwise a goddamn abacus for stacks of Profit, which does all kinds of shit but only if you subscribe to the New York Times’ “Games” section to play daily.

Leader - Crimson Corsair

Final Text: At the start of battle, all Pirate allies gain 30% Max Health and Max Protection then gain Offense Up and Tenacity Up for 1 turn. At the start of their turn, if a Pirate ally has more buffs than debuffs, they gain a stack of Profit (stacking, max 5). If they have more debuffs than buffs, they lose a stack of Profit.

Look at this Glup Shitto ass motherfucker.