[Near As I Can Tell...] Kit Reveal: Jedi Master Mace Windu

Am I the only person who thinks Mace Windu sucks? I feel like I'm on crazy pills when people get excited over this guy!

It’s not Sam Jackson’s fault that his acting in the prequels was so bad his career turned into B Movies for decades thereafter. George Lucas became a terrorist and made every one of the talented stars of his prequels look like so much bantha poo-doo. Poor Jake Lloyd’s acting career was murdered in its infancy by Anakin himself. I guess because he hates sand. I don’t know. The prequels suck! Everyone in them sucked! People mistake the Clone Wars tv series for the Prequels and forget how badly the prequels sucked! And it’s not like they can watch the originals to see what good and proper Star Wars is, because the original trilogy no longer exists! You can only watch the Special Editions, and THOSE SUCK TOO.

Jesus titty-fucking christ on a cross!

It’s like the path of the star wars fan is beset on all sides by the inequities of George Lucas’ direction and the tyranny of poor writing. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and the force shepherds the weak through the prequels and sequels for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost younglings. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers and you will know my name is Kahzgul when I lay my vengeance upon thee! For… uh… making Mace a bigger deal than, say, 4LOM and Zuckiss, who - let’s be real - had almost as much screen time and much more consistent eye lines.

Did you know Mace Windu’s lightsaber is purple, not for any canonical reason, but because when George Lucas asked Sam Jackson to be in the film, Sam said, “yeah, but only if I get a purple lightsaber”? That’s what Lucas thinks of artistic integrity. Of course, this was around the same time that he blamed The Force on a bacterial infection so… yeah. And don’t cite the bullshit retconned explanation! I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN, WITCH!

You know who should have been in Star Wars? Fucking Aslan. Now there’s a guy who would never have bought a child slave and shipped his ass to a bunch of religious fanatics to raise into a military killing machine.

Wait…

I’m getting off topic. Mace. Windu. The Second.

CATEGORIES: Leader, Attacker, Galactic Republic, Jedi, Jedi Vanguard

I admit I am surprised he got the GR and Jedi tags. I wonder if it will turn out that he’s actually better as a teammate to JMK lead or something? Well, we’re the Official Testers™ so I guess we’ll find out just as soon as he’s released.

Basic - Shatterpoint

Final Text:

Deal Physical damage to target enemy and if all allies were Jedi Vanguard at the start of battle, inflict them with Shatterpoint (excluding raid bosses and Galactic Legends), until end of encounter, which can't be copied, dispelled, evaded, or resisted. If they already had Shatterpoint, reduce the cooldowns of all Jedi Vanguard allies by 1.

If they had at least 1 stack of Investigation, Mace gains Speed Up for 1 turn.

Okay, a word of warning… these first two abilities aren’t shit, but the last few… that’s a LOT of text. And I’m a text guy. A regular text machine. I mean all the time. Morning, day, night, afternoon, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text. How much text is that? A LOT. But this is like, woah baby. This motherfucker is like James Joyce in Ulysses. He’s spinning yarns. Now I’m reading this text and I’m feeling something I haven’t felt since forever. Eye strain.

Anyway, the basic applies shatterpoint in perpetuity so long as all allies are from the JV squad. Jedi… Vanguard. You know, the… “vanguard” (n. a group of people leading the way) who… checks notes… are mostly like temple guards and shit, who spend all their time hanging the fuck back and absolutely not vanguarding at all. Did CG think a Vanguard was just a regular guard but like… with more free candy?

SPECIAL 1: Decapitation Strike CD- 4 (ZETA)

Final Text:

Deal Physical damage to target enemy and all Jedi Vanguard allies gain Tenacity Up for 2 turns.

If target enemy was in the Leader slot, this damage is doubled, all enemies are inflicted with Doubt for 2 turns, and all enemies who already had a stack of Investigation gain another stack (max 5) for 2 turns.

If the enemy in the Leader slot was already defeated, Doubt can't be dispelled, evaded, or resisted.

If the target enemy was Revealed, this damage is tripled.

I really, really bothers me that the swing of this animation goes through the belly and not the neck.

Also, if I’m reading this correctly, an enemy leader who is Revealed will take… six times damage? That seems excessive.

Like I said, this isn’t much text yet, but this kit didn't become an wordy mess of nonsense. This wordy mess of nonsense was born a wordy mess of nonsense. When a wordy mess of nonsense wakes up in the morning, it’s a wordy mess of nonsense. It’s alter ego is elegant and to the point. Its outfit with the big block paragraphs, that's the blanket it was wrapped in as an outline when CG found it. Those are its clothes. What these first two abilities wear - the formatting, the font - that's the costume. That's the costume a wordy mess of nonsense wears to blend in with us. Elegant and to the point is how a wordy mess of nonsense views us. And what are the characteristics of elegant and to the point writing? I wouldn’t know, actually, because I also produce a wordy mess of nonsense.

Special 2: The Hammer of Ryloth CD- 4 (OMICRON)

Final Text:

Dispel all debuffs on all Jedi Vanguard allies and deal Physical damage to all enemies. All Jedi Vanguard allies gain Offense Up for 2 turns.
If target enemy had at least 1 stack of Investigation, call Depa Billaba to assist.
If target enemy was Revealed, call all Jedi Vanguard allies to assist, and if Depa Billaba is an ally, she assists again.

While In Territory Wars:
Reduce the Defense of all Enemies by 20% (stacking) until the end of encounter and inflict all Revealed enemies with Healing Immunity and Protection Disruption for 2 turns, which can't be dispelled, evaded, or resisted, and all enemies who already had a stack of Investigation, gain 2 stacks (max 5) for 2 turns.

I dig this animation. Sam Jackson is fucking PISSED at that FLOOR. he does like a little “watch me fuck this floor up” point with his lightsaber, and then I assume he yells, “Yes, this floor deserved to die! I hope it burns in Hell!” I assume this because I can’t play this game with sound on. It would end me. 10/10 animation though. No notes.

As for the ability… Hold on to your butts. Shit starts getting weird right around here. cleanse debuffs off the friendly team. Awesome. Damage all enemies (and the floor). Cool. Offense up to all JV teammates. Acceptable. But then…

If your target (because AoE attacks still have a target and that matters now) had Investigation, call Depa (is it “Depa” like Mario saying, “Johnny Depa raped me?” or is it “Depa” like “her nickname in the sorority was ‘Balls Depa?’”) to assist. Okay, cool, an assist. But WAIT! If the target was Revealed instead of Investigated, call ALL OF THE JV TEAM to assist! AND ALSO MORE BALLS DEPA (I really hope it’s the “balls depa” pronunciation because playing the name game with Depa depa baleepa banana fanna foe feepa me my mo meepa, Depa! Is SO much funnier that with Depa depa baleppa banana fanna for feppa me my mo meppa, Depa. BO-RING. Fictional characters should always have funny names and that’s a hill I and George Lucas will die on. Him first though. He’s much older and lived a good life).

But wait! There’s more!

If you spend omicrons on TW stuff (who does that, really? The rewards do NOT justify the expense), this also reduces enemy defense by 20% stacking and it does nasty debuffs to revealed enemies or if they aren’t revealed yet because it makes TOTAL SENSE to REVERSE THE ORDER of WHEN WE TALK ABOUT REVEALED VS. INVESTIGATED, investigate them harder! So much investigating!!!

This is like.. a pet peeve of mine. Keep your ability orders in.. you know… ORDER.

Since investigation leads to reveals, every ability that mentions them both should mention investigated first and revealed second. IT’S NOT ROCKET SURGERY, CG.

UNIQUE 1: Arrest Warrant ( Zeta + Omicron)

Final Text:

At the start of battle, Jedi Vanguard allies gain Foresight for 1 turn, Mace ignores Taunt effects for 1 turn, and if Depa Billaba is an ally, Mace gains 30% Max Health and 15 Speed until the end of battle.

If all allies were Jedi Vanguard at the start of battles, whenever the enemy in the Leader slot is defeated, inflict all enemies with Low Morale for the rest of encounter, which can't be dispelled, evaded, or resisted and whenever an enemy dispels a debuff, Mace dispels all debuffs on himself and inflicts all enemies with Buff Immunity for 1 turn.
Whenever an enemy becomes Revealed, all Jedi Vanguard Tanks Taunt for 1 turn, which can't be dispelled, and Mace gains a bonus turn. During this bonus turn, he ignores Taunt effects.

Mace deals bonus True damage against Revealed enemies. This damage can't defeat enemies.
Whenever Mace deals damage to an enemy with at least 1 stack of Investigation, inflict them with Provoke for 1 turn.

LOW MORALE:

-25% Defense, Health, Offense, and Speed

While in Territory Wars:At the start of battle, Jedi Vanguard allies ignore Taunt effects for 1 turn; During Mace's bonus turn whenever an enemy becomes Revealed, reset the cooldowns of Mace's abilities. Mace gains 30% Offense (stacking) and 10 Speed (stacking) whenever Revealed enemies are defeated, until the end of encounter. Whenever Mace is damaged by a Revealed enemy or by an enemy with at least 1 stack of Investigation, he recovers 5% Health and Protection (once per turn), gains 5% Turn Meter (once per turn), and he inflicts them with Speed Down for 1 turn, which can't be evaded or resisted. Whenever an enemy is inflicted with Shatterpoint, all Jedi Vanguard allies gain Riposte for 1 turn.

Mace mace bo base banana fanna fo FACE me my mo mace, mace. “M” names suck for the name game. You always say their name twice at the end. I do like saying “FACE” in the middle though. I guarantee Jace from Arcane had the best childhood based purely on how much fun all of his friends had playing the name game with his name. Jace, Base, Face, Mace, Jace. YES. All winners right there. Compare to Carl from The Walking dead. Carl Carl bo Barl banana fanna fo Farl, me my mo Marl? No way, fuck off, Carl (CARL!).

That youtube video of all the times someone on that show said Carl lives in my head rent free.

Have I rambled enough to do justice to this absurdly verbose skill? Not yet?? Fuck balls, man. Okay I guess let’s break it down:

Mace ignores taunt for a single turn at the start of combat. So you can shatterpoint whoever with that basic, I assume. And the JV team gets foresight. Cool. Depa buffs him but let’s be real: Obviously you’re using her on his team. This ability callout is NOT NEEDED. Just fucking boost his base stats if you want him to have these stats and stop making us read so much (ironic coming from me, I know).

If the whole team is JV, killing the enemy leader fucks the rest of the team so do that asap, I guess.

And you’re doing some other shit but it’s all good so you don’t really have to keep track of it.

In TW, this does MORE and BIGGER also.

Why the fuck is that last line in bold, CG? WHY???

Leader - Solver (Zeta + Omicron)

Final Text:

At the start of battle, Jedi Vanguard allies gain 20% Critical Chance, Critical Damage, and Offense ,and 10 Speed. If there is active ally Depa Billaba, she and Mace gain double these stats.

If all allies were Jedi Vanguard at the start of battle, defeated enemies can't be revived, and whenever a Jedi Vanguard ally uses an ability on their turn while no other enemy has a stack of Investigation, target enemy gains a stack of Investigation (max 5) for 2 turns.
Whenever an enemy attacks out of turn with at least 1 stack of Investigation, Blind them for 1 turn, which can't be evaded or resisted and they gain another stack of Investigation (max 5) for 2 turns.

Whenever an enemy gains 5 stacks of Investigation, they lose all stacks of Investigation, dispel all buffs on themselves, and they become Revealed, which can't be copied, evaded, dispelled, or resisted, until the end of encounter.
If an enemy defeats a Jedi Vanguard ally with at least 1 stack of Investigation, they instantly become Revealed.

Galactic Legends and Sith enemies can't be Revealed.

Enemies lose 15% Critical Damage per stack of Investigation.

Revealed: Immune to Investigation stacks; -75% Critical Damage; can't Stealth; can't attack out of turn, and are Exposed for 1 turn, which can't be evaded or resisted, at the start of each unit's turn if they didn't already have it; enemies can ignore Taunt effects to target this unit

Investigation: Increased effects from abilities that utilize Investigation; only one enemy can gain Investigation at a time

While in Territory Wars:
If Jocasta Nu is an ally, she gains 100% Defense, Max Health and Max Protection and she can't be targeted until Jedi Master Mace Windu is defeated.
Jedi Vanguard allies can't be instantly defeated.

Whenever a Jedi Vanguard ally gains Deflective Ward, all other Jedi Vanguard allies gain Deflective Ward until they receive damage. Jedi allies gain 10% Mastery per Revealed enemy, 20% if they are Jedi Vanguard, until the end of encounter. If there is an ally Jedi Knight Anakin, he does not gain the Mastery increase. Whenever an enemy gains a stack of investigation, Jedi Vanguard allies gain 1% Mastery (stacking), until the end of each encounter.

Jedi Vanguard allies take 5% reduced damage from enemies with a stack of Investigation, 15% if they are Revealed.

Galactic Legends can now be revealed.

And here it is. The fucking granddaddy of them all. The actual ability text is long enough, but then there are like seven definitions and an omicron afterwards just in case you weren’t asleep yet.

But that’s enough now, from all this text. You think CG types fast? You should see me. I type like I have a mind (sometimes). Like I know I killed the world once. I got a taste for shoehorning speeches into places they really don’t belong or even make sense and I’ll do it again. When the word avalanche came, it took me a week to figure out how to edit it out. And somewhere, I lost hope. I don’t know when I turned on my readers. I just know… that seven (I hope) of you survived this far, but only five read this wall of text.

Now, I took an oath that I’m breaking now. Swore it was the verbosity of the ability text that killed this kit. But it wasn’t. Nature can be lethal. But it doesn’t hold a candle to man. You’ve seen how bad my rambling can get and how quick it can get that way.

Well, it can get a whole lot worse. So we’re not going to ramble anymore! We’re going to pull together and find a way to make sense of this kit! First, we’re going to make a joke about “Balls Depa” again-