[Near As I Can Tell...] Kit Reveal: Jocasta Nu

Now they're just making stuff up

UNIT NAME: Jocasta Nu

I swear to god I thought this was a fan creation the first time I saw it. A lightsaber gun? REALLY??? What is it Obi-Wan said? A more civilized weapon for a more civilized - naw fuck that let’s shoot some motherfuckers.

ALIGNMENT: Light Side

Uh huh. With a lightsaber gun. Sure.

CATEGORIES: Attacker, Galactic Republic, Jedi, Jedi Vanguard

Now they’re just making shit up. Jedi Vanguard is a class in KOTOR, not a category in SWGoH. You okay, CG? Or is EA just barging into your offices and hooking up internet enabled boxes to your formerly secure testing servers while sending you emails about sporks? I tried to warn you on April 1st, 2024, but you ignored me.

(Pre-Transform)

BASICS: By the Book (Zeta+Omicron)

Final Text:

Deal Special damage to target enemy. If they had Defense Down or Tenacity Down, inflict that debuff on all enemies for 1 turn. Gain Critical Damage Up for 1 turn.

Okay, fair warning kids… I looked ahead. This is the longest fucking kit I’ve ever fucking seen. This kit is longer than Long Kit Jones’s kit, and he had a long fucking kit, hence the name. This kit is so goddamn long that if you told me it was a writ of mandate by the Jedi council that enabled unfettered quantities of credits to be used during political campaigns, thereby enabling the senate to fall to fascism, ending the republic as we know it and ushering in a new dark Age of Empires II (great game by the way), I’d believe you.

So buckle up, because we’re in for a ride. And I’m going reverse cowgirl! Also no, I do not have any idea how that joke translates into this metaphor. But I have faith in you perverts to figure something out.

Anyway, this attack is a neat buff spreader. Oh, I got it. Let’s try this out: So if you’re like this Jocasta New chick (she looks old to me; maybe the name is ironic) and you see some sweet debuffs in front of you, you’re like, hell yeah I’m gonna spread those debuffs, so then you smack the debuffs and if you like them (def down and ten down), then you spread them. Wiiiiide.

Reverse cowgirl!

SPECIAL 1: Shhh! Quiet! (CD=4) (Zeta + Omicron)

Final Text:

If all allies are Jedi Vanguard, dispel all buffs on all enemies. Deal Special damage to target enemy. Gain Speed Up for 1 turn and reduce the cooldown of It Does Not Exist by 10.

Okay, it’s that thing again. Have you even played KOTOR, CG? If all allies are Jedi Vanguard YOUR TEAM SUCKS. That’s how it works. You need members of all different classes in order to be prepared for a wide array of enemies and situations. And by the way, I looked at the list of Jedi Vanguards and… woof. It is NOT impressive.

It’s pretty much the “Shitty Jedi No One Ever Uses” LSB plus Shaak.

Speaking of shitty characters, did you know Emperor Palpatine has pledged to just stop funding the Department of Youngling Training? He sent a trusted agent to go shut it down, though I heard the agent himself was quite young. Maybe he had a change of heart though - none of the younglings’ parents have reported their kids coming home from school early. Anakin Skywalker may be okay, you guys.

And this ability may be okay, too. I mean, dispelling all buffs means getting rid of protection up, and if i’m going reverse cowgirl while I clap some debuffs and spread ‘em, I don’t want my partner having any protection up either! Or potency. Def don’t wanna get preggers. Because of the - you know - Anakin… situation. DON’T TELL HIM, GIRL!

SPECIAL 2: It Does Not Exist (CD=20)

Final Text:

Gain 50% Critical Chance, Critical Damage, and 5 Siphon for the rest of the battle, and 100% Speed and Tenacity for 1 turn. Daze all enemies for 1 turn. Transform into Jocasta Nu (Rifle). This ability starts on cooldown, can only be used once per battle, and can't be evaded or resisted.

This ability can only be used if all allies are Jedi Vanguard and both By the Book and Shhh! Quiet! are Tier 6 or above.

Okay so… she takes her laser sword, loads it into a gun, and then… has a sword gun? Gunsword? ARE WE GOING FF VIII ON THIS BITCH?? BECAUSE I AM DOWN TO GO FF VIII ON THIS BITCH!!

Oh.

No, we’re not. It just becomes a gun. I mean, it’s a cool gun, if you think shooting things is cooler than fucking laser swording them. And also if you think no longer being able to deflect blaster bolts because your laser sword is now just ammo for a gun is a good idea. Like.. How fucking high were they when they came up with this? And yes, I know it’s from the comic books, but come on… None of us can read, right? Not since they did away with the Department of Younglings.

UNIQUE 1: Jedi Archivist (Zeta + Omicron)

Final Text:

Jocasta Nu has +25% Max Protection (increased to 50% if all allies are Jedi Vanguard) at the start of battle and is immune to Protection Disruption and can't be revived. At the start of her turn:

Inflict Tenacity Down until the end of her turn against the last enemy to inflict a debuff on her. If this is the second time this has occurred on the same enemy in this encounter and she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle), they are also Exposed.

Inflict Defense Down until the end of her turn against the last enemy to damage her. If this is the second time this has occurred on the same enemy in this encounter and she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle), they are also inflicted with Vulnerable.

Whenever she attacks an Exposed enemy she recovers 20% Protection. Whenever she recovers Protection gain 10% Offense (stacking) for the rest of the encounter. Whenever she or an enemy gains Foresight, dispel it, she gains Deflective Ward, which can't be dispelled, until she receives damage, recovers 20% Protection, and gains 20% Turn Meter (once per turn).

Whenever a Jedi Vanguard ally uses a Special ability, reduce the cooldown of It Does Not Exist by 1. While My Turn is on cooldown, It Belongs in a Museum inflicts Burning on the enemy for 1 turn.

The first time Jocasta Nu would be reduced to 1% Health, and she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle), she dispels all debuffs on herself, recovers 100% Health, gains Damage Immunity for 1 turn, which can't be dispelled, and takes a bonus turn. During this bonus turn, she must use Special ability, It's Up to You Now, then is defeated, which can't be prevented, if any enemy survives. At the

start of the encounter, if she has used, It's Up to You Now, she is defeated.

While in Grand Arenas: Jocasta Nu has +100% counter chance and is immune to Ability Block. If all allies are Jedi Vanguard, whenever they use an ability, reduce the cooldown of It Does Not Exist by 1. Whenever she is Stunned, gain Deflective Ward, which can't be dispelled, until she receives damage.

TOO. MUCH. WORD.

Also… I swear to force jesus (that’s anakin) that this unique was written by an AI chatbot. The hands are all fucked up and who. the fuck. talks like this:

WHAT?

Let’s try to explain this whole mess in lay terms: Jocasta gains offense when she recovers protection. When her turn starts, she puts debuffs on the last enemy to hurt her and the last enemy to debuff her. Nothing happened in China on April 15, 1989. She applies bonus debuffs if she’s got her laser gun instead of her laser sword, and also it’s the 2nd time she was hit or debuffed, which feels completely unnecessary to add as a requirement but here we are. I am not a chat bot; I am a real human person. Jocasta gets a buff that is only described on GLAT, whom you do not have yet (but your boy, Kahz, has you covered: Deflective ward: damage received is reduced to 1). Also if she dies, she gets a bonus turn during which she makes an AoE attack, and if the works, she lives and you win, but if it doesn’t kill everyone, she dies. Also she can’t be revived, so you can’t just spam this nuke over and over and over with Talzin or whoever.

What I’m trying to say is that Jocasta does stuff, and when she’s done doing stuff, she does a big pop and then she’s spent and there’s no round 2.

BRB, I’m gonna go make her a sandwich.

UNIQUE 2: Chief Librarian [THIS IS A TEXT ONLY]

When Jocasta Nu transforms, she loses the abilities By the Book, Shhh! Quiet!, and It Does Not Exist, and gains three new abilities.

[Basic] It Belongs in a Museum: Deal Special damage to target enemy. If they had Defense Down or Tenacity Down, inflict that debuff on all enemies for 1 turn. Gain Critical Damage Up for 1 turn.

Zeta Upgrade: While she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle): If they had Defense Down, Expose, or Tenacity Down, inflict that debuff on all enemies for 1 turn, and she gains the opposite buff for 1 turn; if they had Vulnerable, deal additional damage based on 10% of her Max Protection then recover 25% Protection; gain 5 Siphon until the end of the encounter

Omicron Upgrade: While in Grand Arenas and she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle): On her turn, grant each Jedi Vanguard ally every dispellable buff she has for 1 turn

[Special] My Turn: If all allies are Jedi Vanguard, dispel all buffs on all enemies. Deal Special damage to target enemy. Gain Speed Up for 1 turn.

Zeta Upgrade: While she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle): Deal bonus True damage equal to 100% of her current Protection to target enemy, which can't be evaded, then lose all current protection; Jocasta Nu Siphons Max Protection from the target enemy, which can't be resisted; If the target enemy is defeated by this ability, gain Max Protection equal to the target enemy's Max Protection; gain 100% bonus Protection for 1 turn

Omicron Upgrade: While in Grand Arenas, if all allies are Jedi Vanguard, and she is Jocasta Nu (Rifle): Dispel all debuffs on all allies; set the target enemy's Max Health to 65 (excluding Galactic Legends and Raid Bosses) until the start of their turn

[Special] It's Up to You Now: Deal Special damage equal to 50% of Jocasta's Max Protection to all enemies. If any enemies are defeated, Jedi Vanguard allies recover 100% Health and Protection and all enemies are Breached for 2 turns, which can't be evaded or resisted.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL US THIS IS A TEXT ONLY???

CG seriously thinks we’re so fucking stupid that we can’t tell the difference between words and pictures.

lol

See? I just drew a picture of a drowning man. Anyway all of these abilities are described below, so there’s no point explaining them now. This is just an ability that exists because there’s no button for “see transformation” to swap over the abilities in game so that you can review them. The UI in this game is ass, you guys. Pure, liquid, reverse cowgirl ass.

(Post-Transform)

BASICS: It Belongs in a Museum

Final Text:

Deal Special damage to target enemy. If they had Defense Down, Expose, or Tenacity Do

wn, inflict that debuff on all enemies for 1 turn, and she gains the opposite buff for 1 turn. If they had Vulnerable, deal additional damage based on 10% of her Max Protection then recover 25% Protection. Gain Critical Damage Up for 1 turn and 5 Siphon until the end of the encounter.

While in Grand Arenas: On her turn, grant each Jedi Vanguard ally every dispellable buff she has for 1 turn (excluding Stealth and Taunt).

Tenacity Do (carriage return) wn?? WHAT’S THAT DO?? AI chatbots suck at basic formatting, I guess. I bet Jocasta’s arch enemy is a fucking capcha.

This attack is just her normal basic but better.

EXCEPT: I forbid her from saying “it belongs in a museum.” That’s Indiana Jones’ line and you only get to say it before you kick a Nazi’s ass. Speaking of which: Indiana Jones and the Great Circle is fun as hell. Check it out. Punching Nazis all day! Or, really, hitting them with goddamn sledgehammers.

SPECIAL 1: My Turn (CD=4)

Final Text:

If all allies are Jedi Vanguard, dispel all buffs on all enemies. Deal Special damage and bonus True damage equal to 100% of her current Protection to target enemy, which can't be evaded, then lose all current Protection. Jocasta Nu Siphons Max Protection from the target enemy, which can't be resisted.

If the target enemy is defeated by this ability, gain Max Protection equal to the target enemy's Max Protection. Gain 100% bonus Protection and Speed Up for 1 turn.

Siphon Max Protection: Gain a percentage of Max Protection equal to this unit's Siphon until the end of the encounter and the target loses that much Max Protection (stacking, excluding Galactic Legends and Raid Bosses)

While in Grand Arenas and all allies are Jedi Vanguard: Dispel all debuffs on all allies. Set the target enemy's Max Health to 65 (excluding Galactic Legends and Raid Bosses) until the start of their turn

Protection siphon is kinda sick. And then her gun is, I guess, shooting protection and not laser sword? The logic is confusing. Whatever. This character is 100% about blowing her load. It’s like the entendre writes itself (off in the shower because it thinks you can’t figure out why it’s been in there for so long and HOLY SHIT SOME OF US ACTUALLY NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM, DAD).

SPECIAL 2: It's Up to You Now (CD=0)

Final Text:

Deal Special damage equal to 50% of Jocasta's Max Protection to all enemies. If any enemies are defeated, Jedi Vanguard allies recover 100% Health and Protection and all enemies are Breached for 2 turns, which can't be evaded or resisted.

This is that big “go make me a sandwich” finish she has. And if it doesn’t finish off everyone else, you’ll be disappointed. There’s a lesson here, but my I promise I will never learn it.

Man I could go for a sandwich.