[Near As I Can Tell...] Kit Reveal: Quiggold

Is it really a kit reveal when the character has been out for a week and we all know everything about him already? Yes. Yes, it is.

Look… I know you know that my last kit reveal for Glub Shitto was a fucking banger, and that there’s no way this kit reveal, also for Glub Shitto, can possibly measure up. Let’s just agree on that basic fact. We’ve already established that Glub Shitto certainly glubs a lot of shit, and that we’re all, more or less, here for it. So we can dispense with the usual “who is Glub Shitto” and “why is Glub Shitto” and “where” and “when” don’t even make sense when discussing Glubs de Shitto, but I still think there’s some value in “how is Glub Shitto” because damn… Glub Shitto has fallen on some hard times.

I mean, look at this pathetic creature.

He has a frown the size of most Northeastern states.

He wears a burlap sack that’s been poorly converted into a mumu. It doesn’t even have pockets like a proper hoodie!

And he lost his left leg in a tragic baking accident. Seriously, put some respect on your grandma’s flan. You have no idea what she had to go through for that.

This poor fucker can’t even afford crocs. Or.. croc? I mean, do you think he has to buy the whole pair of sandals and then just toss out the left one every time? Or does he have some collective shopping agreement with a different, right-leg-in-absentia pirate who also happens to be the same shoe size and they split the bill?

Questions like this keep me up at night. Also the existential dread slowly creeping in from the outer edges of my vision, filling the room with a bleak absence of substance not unlike The Nothing from The Never Ending Story, except without the cool wolf to represent it, encompassing each and every thing I once held dear only to take it away forever so that nothing I care about is left and the only feeling that remains is an apathy so palpable that it becomes the sustenance upon which I feed. But mostly these weird questions about the financial entanglements of fictional Glub Shittos.

Now that I’ve typed that out, I really do think Glubs de Shitto is much more fun as a plural.

And let’s… uh… let’s never speak of the other thing again.

ONWARDS!

CATEGORIES: Tank, Pirate, Scoundrel, Order 66 Raid

Lord Vader weeps in Order 66 Raid.

Basic - Deck Sweeper

Final Text: Steal any Taunt from all enemies and resets its duration; if no Taunt was Stolen and if Quiggold had 2 or more stacks of Profit, he consumes 2 of them and Taunts for 1 turn.

I may be wrong about this, but I believe this is the first and only basic in the entire game which is also an AoE (author’s note: Turns out I was very wrong about this. Jar Jar’s basic is an AoE, and - when it’s his own turn - so is Starkiller’s). That’s… interesting. Unique abilities like this often allow for unexpected interactions with other abilities.

Also, what’s up with Glub’s shorts? They’re way too… well… short.

Also also: He clearly missed.

Also also also: What the fuck is up with this disclaimer at the bottom of the image? “includes optional in-game purchases (includes random items). This is a video of an animation for his basic. It isn’t even locked behind level fucking 2. Legal disclaimers are fucking wild. Why can’t we pass a law saying “just think about this shit for five seconds” instead of “oh fuck someone might sue us because even though he’s free now, there will be a period of a couple of months during which he won’t be obtainable without paying for him and someone might see that and then sue us for false advertising after somehow finding this one animation of him that has like 100 total views because our audience doesn’t know anything other than they NEED MORE GLUBS DE SHITTO.”

Do you see the nothing, too? The rotten corruption at the border of our existence? Festering like a wound in society?

Special 1- Buccaneer (Cooldown - 4)

Final Text: Steal any Foresight and Tenacity Up from all enemies, grant them to all Pirate allies, and reset their duration. Deal Physical damage to all enemies, then inflict Tenacity Down and Blind for 1 turn on all enemies. This attack can't be evaded. If Quiggold had 5 or more stacks of Profit , consume 5 of them and inflict 1 stack of Damage Over Time for 2 turns and remove 50% Turn Meter from the target enemy, which can't be resisted. This stack of Damage Over Time and Turn Meter removal is doubled if the target enemy is a Sith. If no buffs were Stolen, all Pirate allies gain Defense Up and Protection Up (50%) for 2 turns.

Did you know that shooting things is the same as stealing them? Remember that time Ripley “stole” the alien queen’s egg sac? Or how about when Neo said “dodge this” and then stole that one agent’s temple? And who could forget when Lee Harvey Oswald stole the presidency?!

Anyway, in Star Wars™, this is how things apparently work, which is why everyone started calling Han Solo “Greedo” after he stole Greedo first. It is confusing though. Imagine if you actually stole your neighbor’s cat.

“Hey, Kahz, where’d you get that cat?”

“I stole it.”

“… dear god no.”

I guess if you steal a cat, that means you… purrrloined it?

Let’s move on.

Unique 1 - First Mate (Zeta)

Final Text: At the start of battle, Quiggold Taunts for 2 turns and gains 10% Defense, Max Health, and Max Protection for each Pirate ally. If the ally in the Leader slot is a non-Galactic Legend Light Side Pirate Support, this Taunt can't be dispelled or prevented, and Quiggold gains double those stat increases. Whenever Quiggold's Health drops below 50%, he gains Defense Up and Protection Up (50%) for 2 turns. Whenever Quiggold resists a debuff, he gains 1 stack of Profit (max once per turn). Whenever Quiggold Taunts, he gains 1 stack of Bulwark (max 5 stacks) for every stack of Profit for 2 turns. Quiggold is immune to Stun if he has 5 or more stacks of Profit.

Leader, Non-GL, Light Side, Pirate, Support. Who could that possibly be? As of this writing, it’s no one. So I’m going to assume it’ll be Maz. Why not just say “Maz?” Is CG planning on adding another non-GL, Light Side, Pirate, Support, Leader to the game? REALLY??? I’m gonna laugh my ass off if Maz isn’t a support and it turns out no character ever meets these requirements. How CG of them that would be.

Now, mechanically, hear me out. Yes, Glub Shitto gains a lot of stats here for health, protection, and defense. And of those, yes, defense going up by 10% is a bigger deal than the health or protection increases. BUT, did you see the bit about him gaining a stack of profit whenever he resists a debuff? And how he gains bulwark for each stack? And can be immune to stun? I’m going ALL IN ON TENACITY, fam. You can thank me later.

If there is a later. There might not be. The fraying tapestry of reality is threatening to steal the whole of reality and pierce the veil of everything we believe to be true, uncovering the blighted filth we bury deep and pretend not to see. The downtrodden. The ones society failed. The one-legged shark people who wear burlap sacks to work. The shiny, sunny day we see out the window is just a patina of lies we tell ourselves to keep from breaking down and falling to our knees in Toshi Station as we ponder the inhumanity of “stealing” Alderaan just to spite our own daughter.

What kind of world is this?

It’s kind of shit. O. Shitto. It’s Glub Shitto’s world, and we’re only living in it.

Unique 2 - Prayer Necklace (Zeta)(Omicron)

Final Text: At the end of each of his turns, if Quiggold is Taunting, he gains 1 stack of Retaliate (max 5 stacks) for every 2 stacks of Profit for 1 turn which can't be copied. If the ally in the Leader slot is a non-Galactic Legend Pirate (excluding himself) and Ithano is an active ally, the first time Quiggold is defeated, consume all stacks of Profit on him and all Pirate allies recover 50% Max Health and Max Protection and gain Damage Immunity for 1 turn, which can't be copied, dispelled, or prevented.

While in Territory Battles:[-][/c] Quiggold starts the battle with 5 stacks of Profit and gains 250% Defense and 50% Tenacity. While Quiggold is active, and if at the start of battle there is no Galactic Legend ally and all other allies are Pirates, enemies defeated by Pirate allies can't be revived and all Pirate allies have 50% Max Health and Max Protection, can't be critically hit and take 30% reduced damage.The first time any Pirate ally loses 50% of their Health, they dispel all debuffs on themselves and gain Damage Immunity for 2 turns, which can't be copied, dispelled, or prevented (this can only occur once per battle for each Pirate ally).

What fucking necklace?

I don’t see any fucking necklace!

Also… damn. This is the saddest motherfucker in all of Star Wars™.

I mean… he clearly sees the eldritch horrors manipulating reality to serve their craven whims. He knows that nothing he does matters, that all joy is fleeting, and that the coarseness of burlap is a more tangible companion to his soul than any soft caress or human connection could ever be.

Glub Shitto gets it.