[Near as I Can Tell...] Kit Reveal: Wrecker (Mercenary)

Today we're wrecking text-based comedy

CATEGORIES: Tank, Bad Batch, Mercenary

This is the opposite of why you hire a licensed electrician. Nothing here will shock you.

Basic - Haymaker

Final Text:

Dispel all buffs on target enemy and deal Physical damage to them twice.

During Wrecker's turn, remove 5% Turn Meter for each buff dispelled from the target enemy. All other Bad Batch allies gain 10% Turn Meter.

I do like buff dispel on basic. In fact, there’s only one thing that I like more than buff dispel on basic, and that’s daze. Also armor shred. Also jokes that are super funny in person but make no goddamn sense when you type them out because they involve some sort of physical comedy or intonation that just doesn’t translate well into text. Which means, I guess, that there are a lot of things I like more than buff dispel on basic, but I really do like buff dispel on basic so when I used the phrase, “there’s only one thing that I like more than buff dispel on basic,” it was more of a figurative phrasing than a literal one. That, or I just used it for emphasis. Which is the same thing. Potato, potato.

SPECIAL 1: Colossal Smash (Cooldown: 3)

Final Text:

Deal Physical damage to target enemy and inflict Disarm for 2 turns or until Wrecker (Mercenary) is defeated and remove it from all other enemies, which can't be copied, dispelled, or resisted. If the target enemy was already Disarmed, this ability deals 50% more damage (excluding Galactic Legends).

If Wrecker has more than 30 stacks of Soldier of Fortune, he and the weakest other Bad Batch ally gain 50% Turn Meter.

Taunt for 2 turns.

Am I the only one who always says “the emphasis is on the wrong syllable” when talking about the word, “emphasis?” I don’t even remember what that reference is to. A movie? Comedy show by a now-cancelled comedian (you know EXACTLY to whom I’m referring)? A third thing? No idea. But any time I talk about emphasis, my brain has to say “the emphasis is on the wrong syllable” exactly like that, so that you hear the emphasis on emphasis emphasizing the wrong syllable of emphasis and also syllable.

If you thought that was confusing, don’t read this ability. Because what it says is that wrecker can disarm someone, but if he disarms someone, he re-arms anyone he already disarmed (or really anyone who was already disarmed by anyone for any reason). All I can think is that he’s just picking up arms off the floor and like super-gluing them back onto the shoulders of the people they belong to, all while ripping one guy’s arm off because fuck that guy in particular I guess.

And does super-glue come from super horses? I saw a jumbo sized condom for sale once called “super stallion” (I’m pretty sure it was a novelty gift and not a serious prophylactic; no one has a 6 inch dong). And now I’m thinking about The Black Stallion, which was a movie all the girls loved when I was a kid, and holy fuck was that whole movie just a metaphor for biracial sex??? Mind. Blown. Go get some black stallion, ladies. Or gents. Or Xers. This is a judgement free zone, except I’m going to judge the fuck out of some terrible creative decisions that CG made.

I briefly considered moving on, but fuck it; we rant!

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS WITH THE WRECKER IMAGE???

Are you seeing this shit?? HOW FUCKING LONG IS HIS NECK??!>!>!»”??!

Look at this:

Because armor has thickness. You can SEE how thick it is based on how far it sticks off of his arms.

“Oh, but Kahz, you fool, you can see the line of his neck in the image and it’s not nearly as girraffe-like as the nonsense you drew.”

My bad.

Except NO, IT’S NOT MY BAD, BECAUSE IF YOU FOLLOW THE GODDAMN LINE OF HIS NECK HE HAS NO NECK!!!

Wrecker lives in this bizzare place where he either has the world’s longest neck or he doesn’t have any neck at all and I can’t fucking tell. Is this one of those images where sometimes it’s a cup and sometimes it’s two faces? Or sometimes it’s an old hag and sometimes a beautiful lady? Or sometimes it sounds like “Laurel” and sometimes “Yanni?” (look that last one up if you don’t know because HOLY FUCK).

Rant over.

But now that we’re on the subject of necks, do you know the joke about the guy who goes to the doctor and he’s like, “Doctor, you’ve gotta help me, I’ve got a dick caught in my throat!” And the doctor is all, “that’s insane. Why on earth would you think that?” And the guy says, “well look…” And then you rub your adam’s apple up and down a few times and spit on your friend who you’re telling the joke to.

Anyway it’s a great joke if you don’t know it.

SPECIAL 2: Improvised Weapon (Zeta; Cooldown: 6)

Final Text:

Deal Physical damage and Stagger all enemies for 2 turns. Dispel all debuffs on Bad Batch allies. If Defense Down, Speed Down, or Tenacity Down were dispelled on a Bad Batch ally, they gain the opposite version of that debuff for 2 turns.

Each time this ability is used, Wrecker gains 25% Defense, Max Health, and Max Protection (stacking, max 100%) until the end of battle.

Stagger AoE, some dispell/buff interaction I will never fucking remember, and gain some stats. Cool.

I think we need to address the elephant in the room:

This post is late. WAY late. Like almost a week late. How did this happen? Well, two things in real life, in rapid succession, conspired to cause this post to be delayed.

First: I was super busy at work. Just deadlines after deadlines after deadlines. And I was doing some pretty complicated After Effects stuff, which took a long time to make (but looked awesome). So I didn’t have the kind of downtime I normally have to write these things. And then, right on the heels of me busting my ass to get everything done one time, I got laid off.

If you’re thinking, “well that’s some bullshit,” yes, I know, I also see how these two things should not lead directly from one into the other. And if you’re not thinking that, go drown in a toilet you unfeeling twatburger.

So anyway, I’ve been distracted. And busy. Because being suddenly and unexpectedly unemployed is actually a shocking amount of work. Just to register for unemployment requires an Egnards level of math (who the fuck knows their quarterly income? My shit comes weekly like a goddamn normal human). And then continuity of healthcare is a bitch and a half. And then I have to pull out my 2018-era Excel sheet with all of my industry contacts on it and figure out who hasn’t died of old age or covid in the intervening years and start emailing for leads. And at the same time my kid is like “dad’s home all the time let’s play” and not one single motherfucker on his death bed ever said “I wish I’d spent more time at work instead of with my family” so you KNOW I’m playing with my kid.

Long story short I’m gonna starve to death and I’ll miss you when I’m gone.

Or, actually, I’m sure I’ll be fine. This is the very nature of the entertainment business. Almost everyone is working gig to gig, and the fact that I had a five and a half year run at a single company is astounding. But also if you know anyone hiring a TV editor, please put in a good word for me.

What I am gonna do is spend some time writing and maybe finally follow through on that paid-users-only post of the various and sundry chapters of my book. Exactly one chapter of which is about Star Wars (which is pretty good; zero chapters are about my sister).

UNIQUE 1: You Gotta Be in Front To Win (Zeta, Omicron)

Final Text:

Bad Batch allies gain 75% Tenacity. At the start of each encounter, Wrecker Taunts for 2 turns.

Whenever an enemy attacks out of turn, Bad Batch allies recover 5% Health and Protection.

Whenever Bad Batch allies are inflicted with Healing Immunity, they dispel it, recover 25% Health and Protection, and gain Defense Up for 2 turns. Whenever an enemy gains 50% or more bonus Turn Meter before a Bad Batch ally takes a turn, all Bad Batch allies gain 15% Turn Meter.

When another Bad Batch ally is inflicted with Captive, the cooldown of Improvised Weapon is reset and Wrecker gains Taunt for 2 turns, which can't be copied, dispelled, or prevented. While another Bad Batch ally is inflicted with Captive, Wrecker has +25% Max Health and Protection.

While in Territory Battles: Bad Batch allies gain 100% Max Health and Max Protection and 50% Offense.

At the start of each encounter, Wrecker gains 100% Defense (stacking) until the end of the battle, which persists through defeat. Whenever an enemy takes a turn, Bad Batch allies gain 5% Turn Meter.

If a Bad Batch ally is defeated after Captive has already been used while Wrecker is active, they revive with 100% Health and Protection and Stealth for 2 turns, this effect can only occur once per character.

This unique feels like the new Bad Batch are suddenly a HARD counter to Gungans. Like… super fucking hard. Also maybe Aphra and Iden? And JML? Interesting. Also do we really need more TB teams? Weird omicron. Maybe it’s a portent of a new bad-batch-only mission?

UNIQUE 2 : Soldier of Fortune

Final Text:

At the start of battle, Wrecker (Mercenary) gains 1 stack of Soldier of Fortune for each Relic Amplifier level he has. Whenever a Bad Batch or Mercenary ally is critically hit, Wrecker gains 3 stacks of Soldier of Fortune. Whenever Wrecker is inflicted with a debuff, he loses 5 stacks of Soldier of Fortune.

At the start of their turn, each Mercenary ally gains 5% Defense (Stacking) and 1% Tenacity (Stacking) for each stack of Soldier of Fortune they have until the end of their next turn.

So you want tenacity on wrecker to keep him debuff-free, I guess.

Here’s another joke:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

I fucking love that joke.