Roast of Lord Bane
He asked for it
Do you ever go to the bathroom, and you sit there and fight and fight and fight and grunt and moan and beg sweet space Jesus for annihilation to save you from this pain and you get your kid’s step-stool to prop your feet up for a better angle and you’re sweating and for some reason you have to take off your shirt and OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING and then…
It’s just Lord Bane’s GAC ranking?
And just like that moment on the can, I’m certain that Lord Bane has put in tons of blood, sweat, and tears (and also tears, hence the blood) into his GAC rounds, and definitely doesn’t give up after a single loss to full relic geos with an ill-advised 4-man bad batch squad, right? Right?? Bueller???
Okay, there is like a very small chance that what’s actually happening is that Lord Bane took several years off from this game, came back, bought a bunch of lightspeed bundles, and is now working his way up through GAC ranks. If only there were some way to see what happened…
Three wins, three losses. All good, right? WRONG. Lord Bane lost every single match where his opponent put up more than 76 points. A retarded ferret randomly mashing buttons could do that! But don’t worry gang, he did better in 3s…
See? Here he only lost every match where they put up more than 566 points. Actually he also lost one match where they only put up 373. What in the lazy fuckstick of matchmaking is going on here? Not to discount Lord Bane’s offense - 2053 is a fine score, but like… Who are these clowns who don’t fight back against a 1549 or a 1642 and how do I get matched against them?
Just look at this idiot:
Wampa is good, but she’s not that good. My god.
And look at this brilliant move:
In what world is a no-omicron AdRad going to beat 3rd sister with GI-cron??? Obviously no world. Speaking of taking teams up against tier 9 crons:
Come on man! This is not the time to get cute with the Bad Batch.
Fun fact: JKL lead instead of Bast and this team would have won. Oops.
Another fun fact: Malicos will kill you all without breaking a sweat.
Turns out dengar-cron is pretty strong.
Now, the astute reader will notice that these are all examples of bad misplays from the same fight, but what you may not have realized is that every one of them after the wampa WAS ACTUALLY LORD BANE.
BRUH.
What you doing, man? I don’t even need to look up counters to know dengar gives himself tenacity up making him essentially immune to DoTs, and taking a character famous for his ability to take a whole bunch of turns in a row against a cron that lets the enemy take a turn every time I take a turn is a losing plan. You have ever single GL but you brough Bastila as a leader against malgus??? That’s JKL and/or SEE bait if ever there was one!
I don’t mean to focus on poor arena play. There are also plenty of weird mod decisions to harp on. FINN has your fastest mod??? FUCKING FINN??? HE’S A TANK.
I also see not just speed on JKL, but +27 speed. I guess fuck using that guy as a leader, huh? I mean, it’s not like you’re lacking a reliable malgus counter… OH WAIT.
And these +27 speed mods just seem to grow on fucking trees for Lord Bane, too. BECAUSE THAT SHIT ASS BAD BATCH TEAM HAS ONE. Yeah maybe they’re losing to geos because they have TOO MUCH SPEED. That must be the issue! Speaking of speed…
Is this motherfucker winning you many fights by being fast as greased shit on an oil-covered slip and slide??? WHY. THE FUCK. Dooku’s entire thing is COUNTER-ATTACKS.
And listen, it wouldn’t be so bad if there weren’t so many good characters who benefit heavily from speed that are just languishing with garbage mods. You seriously took an AdRad with a +16 speed ARROW to try to beat Reva? I didn’t think that play could get worse but OH MY GOD HERE WE ARE. I feel like I just woke up next to a strange woman only to find out SHE’S DEAD and also I’M MISSING BOTH LEGS. Why does Maul only have a +15 speed cross when Dooku is right here stunting on him? Who does more for your roster??? SEE has a +13 speed triangle. WHO HURT YOU TO MAKE YOU GIVE DOOKU FUCKING DOUBLE THE SPEED THERE?
I feel like I’m in the upside-down. JKL has a +27 speed mod and Hoda has a +11.
Fun fact: when you ask Alexa how to slap someone through the internet, it reports you to Child Protective Services.
The irony being, the person hurting children here is Lord Bane. All those poor kids in his guild who thought they would get better raid rewards thanks to an 11M GP account joining…
Oof.